ItSmYlIfE_______

The Penis Study

2005-05-17T20:36:00.000-07:00

I was recently pondering about why the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft.

I decided to search for some imformation online like one always does when doing a school project.

Equipped with all my research skills i learned from my teachers in school, i got myself jaw dropping results.

Take a look at what i found.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The United States spent $200,000.00 and two years studying why the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft. After two years the researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft simply for a mans pleasure.

The Germans did not think the Americans conducted an accurate study so they did the same study except they spent $300,000.00 and three years. After three years they determined that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft simply for the pleasure of women.

Now the Polish did not believe that the Germans or the Americans had any clue as to what they were studying. So the Polish did a study of their own and spent $400.00 and four weeks and concluded that the head of a man's penis was there so his hand would not slip off and hit him in the forehead.

After reading these, i conclude that all three countries are stupid to spent money on research on the penis as they could have simply ask me for what i think. Another things i found out is that u can actually learn something from school!

The most beautiful thing on earth.

2005-04-10T21:21:00.000-07:00

When I was younger, someone posted this question to me.

She asked, "Randy, what do you think is the most beautiful thing on Earth?"

At that point of time, I realised that I cannot give her my answer because there are so many different beautiful things, such as the sea, such as the rainbow, etc. I can't make up my mind.

I asked many people this question, and the most common answers are invariably the sea and the sky.

WHY! Blue stuff are ugly. I hate blue.

I asked my mum and she said its diamonds.

One guy gave me a sweet answer: "Women."

June said its herself.

I'm kidding.

But anyway, as I get older, I realised what my answer would be.

It is an orgasm.

An orgasm is so beautiful because of so many reasons. It is the most powerful (or maybe sensational) form of love, it is also mostly rare for women (Bloody selfish men!), and it is one thing that has almost no bad side effects! Most of the time it is free too.

Orgasms fill people with endorphins. Endorphins make people happy.
See, when you are happy, you make everybody around you happier too, except your enemies, but of course seeing your enemies seething that u are happy will makes you happy as well, so you get even happier and ur enemies get angrier and the nice cycle goes on.
When you are happy you laugh alot and suddenly everything seems more beautiful. The world is disease-free! Dolphins are playing, the grass is green on every side, and daffodils are blossoming everywhere! What a wonderful world!

When you are filled with endorphins, people of the opposite sex are attracted to you because of the scent you emit. This is scientifically proven. So when people of the opposite sex are attracted to you, you get praises. Praises make you more confident. When you are confident you can attract more people.

An orgasm also helps you lose some fats. Now thats cool too because you will look better, unless you don't have any fats to minus from, but I don't talk to skinny people so thats their business.

Orgasms are also a form of exercise. Exercise makes you radiant and healthy. Healthy and radiant people get more suiters. Orgasms also prevent cancer and acne. Yeah right. No it doesn't.

But then... you have a truckload of people to choose from, and you pick the best, in which hopefully you can get more (and more and more! and better! longer-lasting!) orgasms from.

The "best" chosen person continues to be attracted, and he also feels that u are terrific because there are so many other people attracted to you so he must be so lucky. He doesn't know its because of him that so many people like you of course.

Lets see on the other hand how things will be without orgasms.

People can smell desperate-ness from a mile away. When u portray yourself to be desperate, you don't get sex. No sex=no orgasms. Then you become more desperate. Then it can be smelt from 2 miles away. Desperation=no sex. Then you get frantic. = no sex. Then you finally die. Life is not worth living.

In conclusion, an orgasm in the most beautiful thing on earth.

You may disagree, but thats your business. You need more orgasms to prove me correct.

If only I could bottle and sell orgasms, I would make millions!! How much will an average person pay for a mind-blowing thigh-throbbing spasm-inducing Endorphin Rush? $50? Depends on how long it lasts?

Imagine this! In the future, at the bus stop no one smokes anymore. They all do Randy's big Os. Randy's Big Os has no evil side effects while smoking causes lung cancer. Smoking makes your teeth yellow. Randy's make you look beautiful and attractive.

People mix Randy's with some other chemicals and it becomes an Orgasm so strong its made illegal. Thats known as drugs. No one takes heroin anymore.

Most unfortunately no one will have sex anymore, but the world is facing doomsday soon isn't it? Or maybe I can sell the Big Os in Small Os form, so people still have sex for the real thing.

Now the problem is how do I manufacture orgasms?

2005-04-04T01:32:00.000-07:00

What is it about height anyway? I dun see why that is a plus point at all. Sure, it helps u take stuff from high selves. Sure, the air u breathe is fresher. But as I have once said before, aesthetics is all about proportion, not height.

Perhaps u guys forgot the cavemen story on how height became an important factor for beauty nowadays. Maybe I shld reillustrate it?

Indeed, I shall. For those of u who read it before, please read it again coz obviously u didn't fucking get my point.

Once upon a time very very long ago, the earth was only populated by Cavepeople and perhaps some sabertooth tigers. The Cavepeople were divided into groups by their height, coz the taller ones are usually the stronger and more successful. The tall cavepeople are leaders because it is more possible for them to find food as they are the ones who can reach higher up the trees for fruits, and go deeper into the rivers to catch fish.

Not unexpectedly, they run faster too (longer legs, longer strides), thus they dun often get killed by the said sabertooth tigers.

The leaders of the pack, aka the Tall Cavepeople, decided one day that Tall is good, Tall is beautiful, Tall is everything nice.

Being tall cavemen, they wanted tall cavewomen too, so that the cavewomen dun look so stubbed (I dun think there is such a word, but heck.) standing beside them. Besides this, tall cavewomen cannot claim that they are too short to wash clothes in the river without being washed away. This point, the tall cavemen liked!

So they started to make Tall Cavebabies by only letting the Tallest Caveman and Tallest Cavewomen have sex. And boy did they have sex! They fuck and fucked all day long in the day, mating and mating.

Slowly, the Short Cavepeople foresaw what is going to happen to them. You see, God was fair and mighty in those days, and he made the short cavepeople smarter instead of taller and stronger. The Short cavepeople knew that with more Tall Cavepeople, they would be kicked out of the gang to become outcasts pretty soon, and be bullied more.

The Short Cavepeople were totally against the idea of the fruit of Tallest Caveman and Tallest Cavewoman in labour.

And they were short. So they can't do much about it, except whine the whole day and give the Tallest Caveman and Tallest Cavewoman a kick whenever they passed by that eventful cave. Not that the Tallest Caveman and Tallest Cavewoman noticed of course.

The Average-height Cavepeople were pissed with all the pandemonium. In fact, they were pissed with almost everything. They were the only type of people God seems to be unfair to. God gave them half brains and half height.

In fact, the Average-height Cavepeople were so pissed with the constant moaning of the Tallest Caveman and Tallest Cavewoman, and the constant whining of the Short Cavepeople, that they canï¿½t take it any longer. They took out a parang (a kinda knife their kind invented) and slaugthered the shit outta Tallest Caveman and Tallest Cavewoman.

It may be interesting to note that Tallest Cavewoman was killed exactly when she got her first orgasm, also marking the first pre-historic orgasm ever (She was 13 and stood at 1.87m) in the records of history. From then on people concluded that girls like excitements such as being threatened with a parang while having sex and therefore came bondage and sado-masochism.

Anyway, we can imagine the aftermath of the bloodshed. The tall cavepeople were very angry with the Average-height Cavepeople for the unreasonable killings of the Tallest of their kind. They decided they shall tolerate no more of such nonsense, and with a huff, they took the pre-historic heels they made for their then-still-not-that-tall cavewomen and left the place.

Without the Tall Cavepeopleï¿½s help to catch food, the rest suffered significant losses in their meals. Secretly the smart Short Cavepeople were inventing fishing rods and arrows and spears for easier gaming, and they once tried to teach the Average-height Cavepeople how to use those things, but they were just to dumb to learn.

Instead, the average-height Cavepeople decided that it was the Short Cavepeopleï¿½s fault for whining in the first place, and started to beat the Short Cavepeople up whenever they can. The Short Cavepeople, being kind-hearted fellows actually, started to decided it IS their fault that the Tallest Caveman and Tallest Cavewoman got killed.

With the beatings and the guilt, they could take it no more and migrated in an opposite direction to the Tall Cavepeople.

The Average height Cavepeople were in a loss. Now, they were lazy bastards and were very happy with the Short Cavepeopleï¿½s catches but now that both the Tall and Short were gone, they had no food.

So they secretly followed the Short Cavepeople, and stopped a few hundred of kilometres away from them, coz they discovered that their country has a few nice islands.

A few earthquakes which split the earth and a few billions years later, the Tall Cavepeople found themselves in Paris, and thatï¿½s why the supermodels all got ï¿½great heightï¿½. The phrase ï¿½looks like a modelï¿½ was actually a shortened form of ï¿½Looks like a living model of the Tallest Cavewomanï¿½.

The Short Cavepeople, now having evolved into wimpy people not willing to voice any opinions (and not to mention, short), were actually there before Sang Nila Utama came to our sunny island, called Singapore.

The barbaric Average-height Cavepeople, being stupid, can only watch from a distance the success of the Short community (of course they will succeed coz they are smart) with a very sore eye.

They, up to this day, still bully the Short community because the Short community is tolerant and good-natured. One day, we will reach up to our limits and fire all the ï¿½Average heightï¿½ workers working in our country. We see how they will survive!

Alright! So now u know why height is seen as being important in our society. However, nobody stopped to think that ladders have render tree climbing useless.

Boats have rendered deep river fishing useless.

Cars have rendered escaping from wild animals useless, not to mention that the Sabertooth tiger is extinct.

So height has no use whatsoever nowadays. It is just and age-old tradition that tall is good. Yes, tall men look stronger, thus it is undeniable that they look better.

But tall women? There is no need to look strong at all for women. I personally think that long legs will get entangled in bed, so short women are better sex partners.

I shall make it clear. In my blog, any comment saying tall is good or shu nu is good or anything I once wrote is bad is good, shall be deleted without pity. My blog is an Anti height, anti shu nu blog so sod off.

Tall is good, but short is better. Now learn to say ï¿½Wow, she is so short!ï¿½ in the same breath as ï¿½Wow, she is so tall!ï¿½ and dun be one of those stupid people so influenced by societyï¿½s view. Afterall, short people tend to live longer. Look at those Japanese.

-I can hear u short people cheering-

Randy's version of snow white...

2005-04-01T20:03:00.000-08:00

One upon a time there was this woman who looked like Cher. She may have once been beautiful, who knows? But now, she just looks scary beyond all reason.

So anyway, 17 years ago this woman had sex with an albino, and after that, she got a baby daughter who looks really pretty, and her face was white as snow, her hair a jet black, and her lips red as blood. The proud mother called her Snow White.

The albino daddy of Snow White decided to turn gay, so the mother brought her baby daughter to the local pub where she could drown all her sorrows. Alas, she got drunk again, but this time, the one night stand turned out to be a Prince! The desperate Prince was forced by his dying mum to marry a fat and ugly princess from the next country before he could be King, so he decided to marry Snow White's mum instead, faking his mum that Snow White was his daughter but he was just afraid to acknowledge her a year ago.

The Prince's mother died and the Prince was made King, making Snow White a princess.

Now there's a problem. As the Queen got older and more wrinkled, the King seems to eye beautiful Snow White more and more. One day, the Queen saw the King touch Snow White's hands lustily!

"AHEM!"

The King and Snow White jumped apart.

"My King, it has been long since you gave me a gift.... I want a servant who can tell me how beautiful I am everyday, because apparently my daugther is getting more attractive than me, isn't she?!! HUH?!"

The King gave a loud grunt and heck cared the Queen, so the angry Queen smacked the King on the head with a piece of Char Siew.

"Oww~! That fucking hurts! What was that for? And where did that piece of thing come from?!"

"Its for ignoring me, you bastard! And its apparently called a Char Siew, this thing. Someone mailed it to me. I find no use for it except to whack you."

"Whatever. You are a wrinkled as Lee Kwan Yew."

"Who is that?!"

"Some Chinese man which our prophet says will be the most wrinkled man on Earth in future."

Our prophet always talks bullshit! Ask him to predict the next war and he will say something like, 'Do-do birds will be extinct.' Wtf? Do-do birds will never be extinct, they are everywhere! What an idiotic prophet we have!"

The King took advantage of the situation, grabbed the Char Siew, and smacked the Queen on the head.

"Go get urself that magic mirror in my room and stop yakking and yakking! Leave me alone with Snow White!"

"I thought you loved that mirror?", the Queen asked.

"It used to tell me my dick is the longest in the world but now it refuses to look at it since I tried to shove it into its mouth."

"YOU WHAT? DISGUSTING BASTARD!"

"I am King. I do whatever I want."

So anyway, the Queen got hold of the mirror.

"Mirror mirror on the wall, tell me, whos the fairest of them all?"

The guy in the mirror woke up, and said, "Michael Jackson after his bleaching? No. Actually, Snow White. Duh. Did you even for a moment think it was you? You are scary beyond all reason! Anyway, wait till you hear what that husband of yours did to me!"

The Queen gave the mirror no chance to do that. She whacked it with the piece of Char siew and it smashed into a million pieces.

"Lai ren ah!", she screamed. "Kill Snow White for me! "

Luckily for Snow White, she was hiding behind the door when all these happened.

She ran to the well, and started to sing about how some day her prince will come.

Walking idly, she arrived at this little hut. Being the rude and ill-mannered princess she is, she walked into the hut without knocking, and saw 7 little dwarves watching soccer in underwear. One of them was reading a porn magazine.

You think Liang Po Po is the ugliest thing since evolution, but you have no idea. A dwarf in underwear is infinitely worse. Snow White screamed in horror.

But too bad for Snow White. A scream is the last thing she should have done, because it immediately idenifies her as a lady and what would seven ugly men living alone want?

A maid of course.

The dwarves shoved Snow White into the room, and started to get her to clean up the house, while they continued drinking ale while watching soccer.

With this, Snow White lived for a few months. She particularly hated Sneezy the dwarf coz he always throws his used tissues around. Snow White was held prisoner because she was too dumb to unlock the door.

In case you are wondering why the dwarves are not sexually interested in Snow White, it is because Snow White is too big for them. In physical size.

So anyway, one day the dwarf called Grumpy decided to let Snow White have an apple and take a rest, coz Snow White cleaned his room particularly well that day. What he doesn't know is that Snow White hates him and have put chilli powder into his underwear, but I guess what he doesn't know wouldn't hurt him.

Snow White took a bite and decided to act like she died. She somehow had this feeling that this would get her out of the house. She also read in several story books that a kiss from a prince will revive the dead, and it seems that princes only like to kiss dead girls? So she will pretend to be dead and come to life when a prince kisses her! She tried not to think how disgusting it is if it were the dwarves to kissed her instead.

And what if it was Lee Kwan Yew who kissed her? Oh no! But she will have to take chances.

The dwarves found Snow White dead and shoved her into the forest to rot, and got on with their lives.

Snow White laid on the ground, sobbing in her heart, as the forest is a dreadful place and she feels really sorry for herself that she has to live her life this way. Where should she go? She can't even go home, her mum will (literally) kill her! And she didn't dare open her eyes, she was scared the dwarves would still be there; scared of what she will see...

Suddenly, she heard steps of a horse and a man... Not light steps like those of the dwarves... Steps of a real man... And the air was filled with the sensual smell of Davidoff purfume... Ah... What arousal...

Snow White knew there was hope. It must be her Prince!! She prayed and prayed that her cleavage can be seen... and that her hair covered that stupid pimple she just got.

The Prince bent down, and gave Snow White a deep, tongue wrestling, lip-locking kiss, which took away Snow White's breath and melted her heart. She could feel his sharp nose and chiselled face against hers, and his luscious lips; they are oh, so soft....

Snow White fluttered her long dark eyelashes open, to see a hunky, dark-haired man with dark brown curls looking at her lovingly...

"Oh, you must be my prince!", Snow White exclaimed.

"Yes.... You are beautiful, my Princess...."

"Are u gonna marry me?"

"Yes, my dear..."

"Do you gamble, drink excessively, and watch soccer all the time?"

"No, no, and no..."

"Will you promise to only love me and never have sex with other women, men, or animals?"

"Children?"

"Children as well. And dead people."

"Oh, alright. I suppose you are pretty enough for me to promise that."

"Are you rich?"

"Yes. I am a millionaire."

"Do you have a eight inch number and can last more than 15 minutes?"

"Its 9 and a half to be exact. And I can last for 2 hours."

"Oh my God you are perfect!"

"And I love you, my princess... There... You must be tired.. Let me ride you on horseback to my castle..."

"Yes, yes my Prince..."

With that, Snow White travelled for 3 days on the Prince's horse.

She arrived at a construction site.

"Oh, the castle is still building?", she queried.

"Uhmmmm...", the Prince mumbled.

"Actually I've got something to tell you. My name is Joe Millionaire."

Snow White vomitted blood and died on the spot, this time for real.

2005-01-17T20:53:00.000-08:00

LOL... Looking for virgins?? *Waves hands madly around* ME me me me me me me!!!!! Me virgin!

Who, for a moment, believed that? Haha!

Mr Jackie Cheng, once he starts having sex at the age of 34, would slap himself for missing out all the sex in his life for the past 14 years or so. But I bet he has a very small penis and until the girl is bound to him for life (aka marriage), he would not risk losing the relationship by showing her his inferior member.

I wanna join the Virgin Day thingy. Just to see how they check whether I am one. But on second thoughts... It would be full of ugly people, so no.

Says Mrs Koh-Hoe, 29: 'Our message is this: If I have pre-marital sex, I am not a person of good character. In fact, any sex outside of marriage is immoral whatever the age of the person.'

Siao, how is premarital sex affecting good character? What she said is flawed and totally unfounded. And where is the immorality?

I am pro pre-marital sex.

Several reasons.

1) Before u marry a person, you have to see if the fella fulfilled several criteria. For example, if you cannot accept smokers, you have to know whether your partner is a smoker before marrying the person. It is the same for sex. What if both partners have very different sex tastes, like one likes SM and the other loves slow romantic sex with candles, but not dripped on the body?

Do they change for one another? And if both refuse to change? Do they find others for sexual pleasures? I say, have pre-marital sex first.

2) You don't wanna be shocked to death when, after marriage, you realise that ur partner has ass hair or something which is totally grosteque.

If you argue that no premarital sex doesn't mean no petting, well, whats the difference between heavy petting and sex? Not much. I say, have pre-marital sex.

3) More practice = you can give the best to your future partner.

4) Are u willing to die not knowing how much better sex can get if you do it with another person? (presuming that there are no extra-marital affairs after marriage)

Premarital sex will make the world a better place.

-Only ugly people say they disapprove of pre-marital sex.-

DOgs

2005-01-11T19:28:00.000-08:00

Why are some people so crazy over all dogs? Mere animals. Brains hardly more impressive than the average retard. THEY ARE BUT DOGS! I can understand that some dogs are very cute and all, but not ALL dogs are right? Then why are some people so crazy over dogs?

Actors and actresses and especially mad over dogs. I don't understand them. Is it because it is very lonely to be acting, and therefore dogs are trusty pals? Is it because everyone in the media world are cunning and unscrupulous, therefore dogs are in contrast innocuous and nice?

Mad. Certain artiste, whom I shall not name, went mad over a dog and interestingly was all snobbish around the humans present.

Excuse me Miss/Mr Uppity, but what makes the dog more worthy to talk to you than the average human being? So you are an acting extraodinaire, in a different class from the peasants around you, but the same class as that dog (not even a poodle/chihuahua. A normal dog)? Makes sense.

Dogs are just animals. I don't see people going crazy over cockroaches, so why should they over dogs (cuteness is subjective)? URGH! Very angry. STOP IT YOU DISGUSTING FOOLS! Stop pretending to be a dog lover! You are just trying to act rich and kind I don't know what and I think I am rattling on uuuuuurgh. You know the kinda image of a typical dog lover? Benevolent and wealthy? I think people want to achieve that kinda image when they act like goddamn animal lovers.

[I accept that there are sincere dog-lovers, i.e. the King of Thailand with 100+ stray dogs in his palace, but I refuse to believe that ALL actors and actresses are genuine dog-lovers.]

I don't like it when people come to my place and act so friendly with Cloudy, just because he is a dog. I mean, c'mon. What makes you think Cloudy likes you? Cloudy is only friendly because he thinks you might have food for him!

Stupid things

2004-12-31T20:41:00.000-08:00

Alrighty. People have been bugging me all day long to blog, so here is a fucking long entry, and don't complain!

*****

I can't believe it.

Just when you think that the human population cannot get any dumber, you get an unpleasant surprise. Tadah! I just realised the only thing that doesnt have a cap on it is human stupidity. The Chinese say that there is always a "higher mountain". Thats rubbish coz its Everest. But there is no "most stupid". Each day it breaks a new record.

******************

I don't get it man. Why do they ban durians on the MRT?

Lets boil it down to a few possible reasons.

1) Durians are green and green is a disgusting colour.

But they don't ban potted plants so that cannot be the reason.

2) Durians are spiky and they might, if dropped or thrown, cause grievous harm.

Yeah but they don't ban spiky potted plants (i.e a giant cactus) so that cannot be the reason too.

3) Durians are plain ugly and that's gross.

Yeah but Bon Jovi must have used public transport before he got a car?

4) Durians might have worms in them.

What wrong with a few worms?

5) Of course we know the real reason. Durians stink.

But that's bullshit! I don't think they stink! They RULE! The durian is a good fruit coz it causes nosebleeds if you eat too much of it, and nosebleeds rule.

What can be cooler than having blood stream out of your nostrils (like in the movies!) and having everyone fuss over that as if you just had a minor heart attack? And then you act cool and go like "Oh its really ok! I'm ok! Its just a pint of blood! I can lose that... Nothing important!"

Alright, assuming that Durians really stink, which they don't, shouldn't the gahment, by the same logic, ban smelly people?

Heres to stupid people:

Durian stink. Durian banned.

Smelly ah peh stink. Smelly ah peh _____. (fill in the blank)

I mean, I would rather take the MRT with a Durian than with a smelly Ah Peh. The ah peh may rape you. The durian wouldn't (don't even think about it). The ah peh might have a ring worm. The durian might just have worms. You can eat the Durian if you are hungry. If you eat the ah peh you will be jailed for... hey wait. People just DON'T eat Ah Pehs.

You are saying that Ah peks need to travel and Durians don't.

Lets be irrelevant and assume that the durian needs to travel. But its banned from public transport coz its smelly. So what should the durian do, logically? Take a bath correct?? So the ah pek should do the same thing! Look. If you are a durian, its even worse! You have to bathe all the spikes and buy new sponges everytime! At least the Ah Peks can bathe normally, so why isn't he doing so?

You say that all Durians are smelly so it is easy to ban them.

Well all smelly ah peks are smelly too. DUH!

Alright they don't all look the same, but have a smell detector then!

You say that the smelly ah peks have feelings so it is mean to ban them.

Are you saying that it is ok to ban the Durian just coz it doesn't have feelings? That's rubbish! In the first place, how do you know that the Durian doesn't have feelings? Alright assuming it doesn't, doesn't the logic stand true to vegetables as well?

I'm not telling about kai lan vegetable here. I am talking about coma vegetables here.

If they don't have feelings, does it mean that we can use them as sex toys ala Kill Bill? No right?

And EVEN WORSE! If you think about it, we should punish the ah pek even MORE! This is because the Ah pek made a CHOICE to be smelly! Yes, he might not know that he is, but logically speaking, if you don't bathe for 10 days u possibly stink, DUH! (duh is word of the day)

Which brings me abruptly to another topic.

Rape.

I watched Irreversible (AGAIN) yesterday. See, lotsa people find the rape scene very disturbing but I found it actually slightly arousing (just v v slightly) at the beginning. Until she started to squeal like a stuck pig and when she got kicked in the face it is not funny anymore of course.

Now, why do I not find it utterly revolting?

One simple reason. Because the rapist is not very ugly. If it had been a pimply sweaty hairy old man raping her while making her lick his armpits, I would have been very traumatized.

So according to my warped logic, how unpleasant rape is is highly dependant on how grosteque the rapist is. So if you are a bangala (there's nothing wrong with my personal perception that they are grosteque so stop the racist thing. I just dun like their lewd stares.) and you rape someone, you ought of have your penis chopped off AFTER you are asked to rape the MsBlast inventor. But if you are Keanu Reeves, you should be paid for sharing your wonderful sperm so generously and can you please be so kind as to rape more often? Tour to Singapore? I pay?

I think its perfectly logical.

Alright you don't agree with me.

Maybe we shouldn't go to the extreme. Lets say that Keanu rapes your sister. Keanu goes to jail and yadda yadda usual punishments.

Bangala with lumpy penis rapes your sister. Bangala has aids from blood transfusion and he doesn't know he has aids. But point is that he has aids.

DON'T YOU THINK BANGALA SHOULD BE PUNISHED MORE??!

Duh!!

2004-12-18T18:57:00.000-08:00

MRT irritants continued...

Muahahhahahahha!!!

I wish I brought along a pair of scissors yesterday. Some uncle who sat next to me did precisely the shirt sleeve tickling thingy. I squirmed, I moved, and squeezed, yet nothing I did could escape this filthy sleeve (the rhyme is not intentional). If only I had a pair scissors! I would cut off the cretin's sleeve and save the rest of the world from his tickling!

No use dreaming about it now.

The pair of scissors would have another use as well. The uncle STINKS. I could threaten him with it and he would move seats. Now, why do some people smell so much? Wait, I think I dun wanna know. The fellow sat beside me and my nostrils were filled with his horrible stench. WTF? This is not fair! I did not pay $1.35 or something to smell rotten eggs!

I suggest, that everyone should go through a smell test when they enter the MRT. If you stink, you would be asked to go into the smelly chamber to travel to your destination. In the smelly chamber would be tons of other smelly people, and if you stink and you can't smell yourself, perhaps you can smell others.

Imagine this scene...

Smelly Uncle: *beep* (EZlink sound)

-A very loud TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!!-

MRT personnel rush out, clad in gas masks, ala SDU style.

Personnel 1: "Alert alert! Smelly bastard detected! Do not let him escape!!"

Personnel 2: "Roger roger! Target found and surrounded!"

Personnel 3: "Roger! I have got target. Assistance needed. Beware, stench is grade 5, almost lethal!"

Personnel 1: "Well done. Thank goodness for the gas masks. Can you imagine if this fellow sits beside the famous blogger Randy? I dun want him to die? He seems to be a big fan of SMRT."

Smelly uncle: "Where you all siao kias taking me to? I just never bathe for 10 days only, the gas mask is a bit too kua zhang right??!"

Personnel 1: "Sir, you shall go straight to the smelly chamber, the end of the MRT. In there, you would see all the smelly bastards like yo.."

Smelly uncle, interrupting, "I AM NOT SMELLY!"

Personnel 1 slaps the Smelly Uncle with a heavily padded hand. Some debris caked on the uncle's face falls off. The uncle heaved a deep breath and the breath comes out in a light green misty colour.

Personnel 1, with delibrate patience: "You are FUCKING smelly. And DO NOT INTERRUPT ME!", he boomed.

Personnel 1 grins cheekily at Personnel 3, whom he thinks must be impressed with his authority and volume. Personnel 3 happens to have very nice breasts.

The Smelly Uncle whimpers.

Personnel 1: "As I was saying... You would be with the rest the smelly people. Sitting with you would also be all the bangala who are caught either 1: Holding hands with another bangala, or, 2, caught oogling at females. They could also be stinky of course."

The Smelly Uncle shudders. He thinks that the Bangalas might come hold his hand, but he forgot he stinks so that would not happen.

Personnel 1: "We have also caught some other offenders as well, although these people might not deserve so much to be in the Smelly Chamber. They are people who tickle others with skirts, or sleeves, or scratchy curly hair. We also catch people who play with ringtones on the MRT.

"These people are punished to put a 3310 to their ear and listen to the same ringtone on level 5 all the way till they reach their destination. This would teach them how it feels like to be an innocent traveller who has to tolerate this torment every time a similarly bo liao person does the ringtone testing.

"We also catch people who sing on the MRT. Are they stupid or stupid? They think that when they have earphones in their ears, they cant hear their own goddamn singing so others cannot hear them as well. What bullshit. We punish this people to listen to F4 songs all the way till they reach their destination too."

By now the Smelly Uncle has pee-ed in his pants, making, weirdly, no difference to the way he smells.

*****

Yes. If I rule the world, the MRT system would really be good, no?

Funny bus ride

2004-12-14T21:07:00.000-08:00

There was this couple in front of me when I was on the bus.

I sit behind them, directly behind the guy and ajacent the girl.

All was fine and sunny and I am feeling happy because all was fine and sunny.

Suddenly, the girl pecked the guy on the cheek.

The guy smiled, and pecked her back on the cheek.

They had a smooching competition to see who could peck more.

The girl won, and smiled triumphantly at the guy.

The guy looked at her, and gave her a sudden smooch on the lips while the girl tried to act surprised.

I got really pissed off and nudged the guy on his back with my knee (with the seat in between us of course).

He seems to feel that pretty much arousing so he smooched her more.

I nudged him harder.

He continued the smooch, and most disgustingly, the girl was STILL acting surprised.

So I took out a Ritz Carlton matchbox set his hair on fire.

"Oooh! Help help!", he cried, as he tried, with no avail, to stop the flames from spreading to his sideburns (no puns intended).

I smirked as I folded my arms. I sat back to enjoy the show. I sat back not because I wanted to act cool but because the fire was making it a little hot to sit close to the subject of interest.

The girl was in major distress.

She screamed her head off.

Serve her right for smooching in front of me. I bet she is the kind that smooches on escalators too. The next time I see couples smooch on the escalator, I shall stop the escalator suddenly and pretend to point at the some old uncle and say he did it. The couple will be halted in their smooching and might, if luck prevails, have knocked each other's teeth off with the sudden jerk.

So anyway, I slapped the girl and asked her to shut the fuck up.

She begged me to save her bf between mouthfuls of mucus. The rest of the bus heck-cared her coz they are watching the 14th rerun of Star Awards.

So I said, "No, coz you and him just ruined my fine and sunny day. Plus your boobs are small. I don't talk to people with small boobs. Speak to my hand."

"Please! Save him! He is dying!"

The guy seems to have extinguished the fire when we both turned to look at him. One uncle had poured a can of Jia jia Herbal Tea on his head mumbling something about how vile that concoction is. The bf seems at peace with himself and was curiously touching his hair with his index finger gently.

"Look darling!", he addressed the girl, not looking at her but checking out his reflection on the bus window. "Afro hair!!"

The TV Mobile screen flashed Fann Wong's previous appearances during past Star Awards including the year where she wore green shorts and had the exact same hair the BF has. I exploded into laughter. (no offence to Idris whatsoever.)

"OMG I am so happy you are fine!!!", said the girl. A guy at the back of the bus started to play a sad tune on his violin.

She rushed over to him, all filled with tears and stuff, and smooched him on his lips, despite it having bits of burnt hair on it.

I set fire to his hair again.

It is a fine, sunny day afterall.

squirrel joke

2004-12-13T08:34:00.000-08:00

Oh yeah yeah yeah I suddenly remembered a joke that I heard some time ago. I shall write it out!A man was wanted to fly to country X. He wanted to bring his pet squirrel with him. However, pets are not allowed on airplanes, and he had no idea what to do with his squirrel. But he really really cannot sleep without his pet squirrel by his side. He can't put it in his suitcase coz they will scan it. So he decided on putting the squirrel in his pants.He managed to get through to the plane, and felt very happy indeed and his evil plot did not get found out. He happily whistled as the plane flew. Suddenly, a loud "OOOOOWWW!" filled the aircraft. An air stewardess quickly rushed the man's side and asked if anything was the matter.The man replied weakly that he was fine and asked the air stewardess to go away."OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" screamed the man again. This time, he asked the air stewardess to leave him alone again.The third time the man screamed, this time much louder. But the time the air stewardess rushed to his side, he was holding the squirrel by itz tail and slamming it repeatedly against the seat in front. He proceeded to dip the squirrel into boiling hot coffee. He took the squirrel and flushed it into the toilet bowl.Every passenger was appalled by the man's cruelty. No one stopped him though, coz they were afraid of his fury. The air stewardess whimpered meekly to the man, "Sir, why were u so cruel to that squirrel?"The man said, "The first time I screamed, Hazel (the squirrel) thought my balls were nuts.""The second time I screamed, she thought my asshole was a treehole""The third time I screamed, she tried to bring the nuts into the treehole."*****the end!~ Laugh!

ruddy karang kuni man

2004-12-12T11:13:00.000-08:00

I. HAD. ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
RUDDY GARANG GUNI MAN COMES THUNDERING AROUND EVERY SUNDAY AT TEN AM BLASTING THAT BLARING FOGHORN OF HIS KANNINA DOESN'T HE REALISE THAT PEOPLE NEED A SLEEP-IN ON A BLOODY SUNDAY GOD MEANT FOR IT TO BE THE OFFICIAL REST DAY AFTER A HECTIC WORK WEEK AND THE bloody Garang Guni man doesn't give a shit and blasts his horn ANYWAY totally inconsiderate and woke me up in a start to his unpleasant voice and my blankie is oh-so-comfy but I cannot go back to sleep and it is all the Guni's fault for being a horrible self-centred person I hope he gets very little papers today and realise that the majority of his clientele ARE STILL STRUGGLING IN BED WISHING HE WOULD GO AWAY OR BLOGGING EVIL BAD BLOGS ABOUT HIM I HOPE EVERYBODY DIES AND NEVER MAY I HAVE TO WAKE UP SO BLOODY EARLY AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Open a School of Garang Guni Manners, anyone?-(Yes smartass, the fact that I am unemployed and "hectic work week" is meant to be ironic so stop acting like u are so brilliant coz you spotted it.)

2004-12-11T17:01:00.000-08:00

Alright...this shall be my last post of the day. Here goes...

I was on the bus, on my way home.

Feeling very drained. After helping my auntie in her shop.

Boarding 176, the two-tiered kinda bus, I sourced for a seat, but seemingly with no avail.

'What the fuck is wrong with these people,' I spoke in a whisper to myself. 'Is there a new disease that hits the ass of whoever moves to the inside of the seat?!'

Indeed, everyone was happily sitting on the aisle seat. Did anyone care that a stupid tired intern doesn't want to go pass their knees to get a decent seat? No, of course not.

I walked on. After all, it's a long journey till the end of the bus, and there must be hope!

AHA! A SEAT! Can you believe it?! This scrawny uncle was sitting on the inside!!! I moved in thankfully.

Not wanting to disturb his serene demeanour (he had this I-am-going-to-achieve-nirvana-do-not-speak-one-word look), I sat with my knees facing out.

Just as I was about to sink into the comfort of my 80c ride, I heard a snigger.

And more sniggers. From the seat behind. High pitched ones.

WHO COULD IT BE SNIGGERING SO EVILLY!! Could it be Dr Evil?

I wanted to turn around and poke the person which my handy swiss knife, but because of society's norms and freedom (no mental institute for me), I decided to let it go. Let it go, let it go.

And she sniggered again.

I listened hard. Oh oh!! She started to speak.

"Mommy mommy!!!" the sniggerer said in an amazingly auntie voice for someone who says 'mommy mommy'. "Look at him!" she said in Mandarin.

I imagine, if I had a face behind my head, her fat fingers must be pointing directly in between my eyes.

BITCH. What about me, speak!

And she did.

"He's sitting with daddy," she chirped very matter-of-factly, as if her mother must be blind, her dad is has never sat with anyone else on the bus, and I chose, of all the NUMEROUS empty seats, to sit with her nirvana dad. Oh yeah little girl, I don't think I had a bloody choice! That was the only seat!

Dad did not stir.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a sinister finger advancing towards me!!!!!!

POKE!

Everyone on the bus gasped!! She reached for her father's shoulder, and in one poke of hers, broke the enlightenment he was trying to achieve.

"Yes?" the dad said gently, apparently in mock patience. I believe, he is deeply regretting having sex that fruitful 6 years or so ago. "WHY!!! WHY DID I EJACULATE!" he must be thinking.

For that shrieky voice is more than anyone can bear.

She poked him again. And again.

"He choose to sit with you leh Daddy!" she exclaimed, not unlike a 70s matchmaker woman.

"Hmmm..." said the ever-patient father.

She didn't let it go at that. She repeated herself around 2,383 times. I blushed. My hand reached into my bag for that swiss knife... No!! I told myself. She is but a young girl! I must, forgive!

The birth-giver spoke.

"Yeah lor, handsome boy sitting with daddy leh! This one is a shuai ge you know?" (shaui ge=handsome guy)

Ahhh, I smiled. This is better! ALTHOUGH! I didn't CHOOSE to sit beside scrawny uncle. There were no more seats!

Just as I was grinning in self-delight, the mother asked the little girl : "He handsome or not?"

I listened.

I listened hard.

No response. I can imagine her shaking her stupid head like it's really cute and everyone loves her.

SCREW YOU LA! I am a shuai ge ok!! Maybe, just maybe, she didn't find the back of my head very captivating. If so, I forgive her young ignorance.

Like mother, like daughter. The mother is not as nice as I assumed!

"Handsome what," she said loudly enough for the bus to hear (and also confirming that the girl said I am not handsome). "I ask you ah girl, daddy handsome or he handsome?"

I vomited blood. Nirvana Uncle hid his face under this armpit

"Daddy more handsome!!!!" came the swift reply.

I could STAND IT NO LONGER! I stood up, turned around, and got even more furious! For the Dad is fucking ugly!

I took out my light sabre!!!!

Swish swosh!!!!! I waved it around in a maniacal manner. SHE MADE ME ANGRY!!!

In one swift movement, I chopped down her silly head. Blood stained the Hello Kitty T-shirt she was wearing! YOU THINK YOU ARE CUTE? NOW YOU ARE BLOODY DEAD CUTE!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

The mum looked on in horror, while her husband, head still under armpit, was oblivious that my light sabre got rid of a house pest for him! What is he doing hiding there? He should be thanking the lords that I chose to (wait, I didn't CHOOSE to) sit beside him on the fucking bus!

I laughed deeply as the bus of people all looked at my pink light sabre as if it must be the ultimate destructive weapon! They are right! It is capable of slaying a thousand dragons!

TV Mobile played Gotcha! for the millionth time, the wiping bird shit episode. I got so pissed with Rui En's face, I used the gentlest of pokes on the TV and it burst into magnificent flames.

THAT WILL TEACH TV MOBILE TO KEEP PLAYING GOTCHA!, the suckiest show on earth!

Back to the mother. She got so pissed scared, she just stood there trembling. THUS IS THE POWER OF THE PINK LIGHT SABRE!!!

I waved it around a bit and skillfully shaved her eyebrows off.

"Oh please!" she said, kneeling down. "Don"t kill me, shuai ge!!"

"OH NOW YOU KNOW WHO's THE SHUAI GE huh??!" I shouted at her so thunderously, her hair blew backwards.

I told the bus driver to stop, and I used my sabre to crash open the fucking doors.

I threw the severed body out of the bus. For fun, I severed it even more first. She squirmed.

"That will teach you," I said vehemently. "To never allow your children to lie again."

I walked out of the bus like a real hero and took a second, less bloody 176 home.

harry potter X-rated

2004-12-11T16:26:00.000-08:00

Dammit, this is actually part of the previous blog but blogger claims it is too long to publish. I guess I am THAT longwinded. So this part is about Harry Potter anyway.

For the ignorant/I dunch-read-what-everyone-else-is-reading people who dun know, The Order of The Phoenix comes in 2 different versions, the adults and kids version.The picture is what u get when u remove the paper cover from the adults version. Someone actually asked why I carry a bible around. I told her that J K Rowlings might write pretty well, but she is no god. That girl apparently had no idea who J K Rowlings was so she switched the topic, still convinced in her head that I am a loyal christian.Someone asked me why I bought the adults version instead of the kids one, coz the kid's cover looks far more vibrant. In fact, if u looked carefully, the silly yellow phoenix is actually smiling. How ridiculous! A smiling phoenix! When ppl ask me why I choose the adult's version I always say this:"Huh u dunno meh!!! Harry Potter is now officially 15 years of age in this book! The Adults version contains sex scenes which are deleted in the kid's version! In fact, the first sentence of the book starts with: Harry wanked again yesterday thinking of Hermione."I think people actually believed me till I said the last sentence. I was just thinking about sex in the magical world. (please do not read the following if u dun read Harry Potter, coz u wun understand.)

Gal: Darling, lets have sex!

Guy: But I'm watching Quidditch and nothing can make me erected right now! Nor distracted for that matter!

Gal: Eh! I want sex!

Guy: No!

Gal: Indeed. Imperio!

Guy: Oh honey, lets have sex now!

Gal: Hmmm... Good boy. U shall do as I say now. Quietus TV! -Rooms lacks of the ambience-

Gal: Accio (summon) candles! Incendio (light up) candles! Your dick is too small!

Guy: I can't help that.

Gal: Engorgio penis! Ahh.. Itz much bigger now! I would like to feel some pain to complete the pleasure. Curse me!

Guy: Crucio!Gal: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......!

LOL.. I think I am mad. More blogging tml!

What the Kopitiam Worker is Really Thinking When Serving You

2004-12-09T20:24:00.000-08:00

After spending more than i should yesterday because i went bowling with the "ooo.... so tall!" Joel and him dragging me to have sakae sushi which costed us a bomb. i've decided to have lunch at a old kopitiam in Joo chiat. Mind u its those real "kopitiam" and not the food courts that some smart ass named "kopitiam". Due to the lack of seats i was forced to sit down with these group of Ah peks that u know striaght away that are those "lao ticko". After awhile i found out that like me the ah peks were also advid soccer fans. Being the friendly n nice boy i was, i ordered a kopi-o and and started a conver with them. Much to my surprise they hated Arsenel too! i thought Arsenel were all dead... We started scolding Arsenel like the kopitiam is our grandfather's one without giving a shit about the anti-social people around us. With my limited Hokkien i joined in using all kinds of vulgarties i know. i could tell those Ah peks really liked me as they offered to pay for my kopi-o which i politely declined because i know they need it more than me as they have to make frequent trips to Geylang. When the guy bought my kopi-o over i looked at his face, it was terrible! He looked like a walking cropse! So lifeless as if all the happiness was sucked out of him through his asshole. So i took up the responsiblity to do a research on what really goes through their mind n heres what i found!

Here’s what’s really going through their minds…

1. Would you like a heart attack with that?

2. Hee hee hee, you really think that’s beef, ah?

3. Eh? Did I forget to wash my hands after going to the toilet again?

4. Wah lau, this guy eats here more regularly than I do… but I work here, what’s his excuse?

5. Why? Why didn’t I listen to Mummy and study hard?

6. Olinda… It should have been you, my love!

7. Funny how nobody seems to be able to taste what I added to the special sauce.

8. Chope! Is Ronald related to that Old McDonald who had the ee-i-ee-i-o farm?

9. Damn! Where got justice in this world when I’m 68 years old and I not only kena serve 10 year old chewren, I must also call the si noong kia ‘Sir’!

10. Did this one fall on the floor, or did the other one?

11. Why does Hello Kitty have no mouth? Maybe it’s too scared to eat this Happy Meal shit…

12. Wasn’t I wearing a plaster just now?

13. Mmm… Auntie is pretty hot for a seventy-one year old.

14. Eh, supersize my salary, leh.

15. Help…me…please…

2004-12-09T00:21:00.000-08:00

Ok I'm sorry. The long post will have to be another day, because I've got 4 assignments at hand now and I'm damn stressed up.

SO NO BLOGGING.OH FUCK IT! I can't stand it, here's a short one:I was on my way home on bus 161 after watching Scary movie 1 (3 stars coz there was a boob scene and the male lead can't seem to keep his shirt on), and it was late, like 11 plus.The upper deck had only me and this uncle

So, THIS UNCLE STARTED TO TALK TO HIMSELF LIKE THERE IS NO TOMORROW!Except...He doesn't look like he's talking to himself. He was gesturing, and nodding his head in agreement sometimes, and even laughed. He looked exactly like he was chatting animatedly with a person sitting on the grey-red spot. And that someone must be an excellent conversationalist too. Except there was nobody there.Of course, I passed off his mumblings as him being a siao hallucinater. Middle aged uncles often go crazy and talk to themselves, right? It is normal to talk to yourself, right?So, he continued spouting Hokkien (which I don't understand) for another 10 minutes, and then he suddenly stopped."Thank god," I thought.He looked up, and started turning his head clockwise slowly.Towards me.OMFG. I almost jumped out of my skin. Outside was pitch darkness, and it was only me and him on the bus...He stopped short of looking directly at me, and his line of vision rested at.. yes, you guessed correctly, at the seat directly in front of me.And he started talking to that empty spot again!!!!!!!!!!!! Was there something there that he could see and I couldn't?I fled. That must have been one of the scariest moments of my life. *shivers*This is so fucked up. Now I'm scared to off the lights.

2004-12-08T09:41:00.000-08:00

Which American reality TV franchise should MediaCock adapt next?
What will they look like?
SINGAPORE TEMPTATION ISLANDContestants are sent to the new casino on the island of Sentosa, where they struggle with their temptation to blow their life savings
SINGAPORE APPRENTICEContestants compete to work for Singapore’s top char kway teow hawker whose catchphrase is: “You’re FRIED!”
SINGAPOREAN FEAR FACTORSingaporeans must overcome their fear of being sued for defamation or getting the air-con treatment somewhere around Whitley Road.
SINGAPORE SWANThey’re really beautiful! Oops! Sorry, we mean they’re fakely beautiful. But they have a lot of self-esteem issues, so be nice and don’t “swan” them, leh!
THE SINGAPORE RESTAURANTThis week’s exciting episode: the Ministry of Environment conducts a spot check.
SINGAPORE’S BIGGEST LOSERSThis week, the contestants include the poor buggers who invested in Global Crossing, the sad sacks who kena suckered into paying $2b for two berths in Hong Kong's port, the pathetic people who took a stake in CAO, and the taxpayers.
SINGAPOREAN STRAIGHT EYE FOR THE QUEER GUYA group of SAF infantry sergeants give a chao ah quah a macho makeover, so that his family and friends won’t shun him any longer.
SINGAPORE BACHELORThey’re single. They’re over 40. They make less than $2,500 a month. Got hope not? Maybe only fat ones. Sponsored by the SDU.
SINGAPOREAN NANNY 999This local adaptation of America’s ‘Nanny 911’ series features maids calling the police to report their employers for doing stuff like pouring boiling water on them or biting off their nipples.
SINGAPOREAN SIMPLE LIFEThe daughters of two tua kee towkays are sent to stay in a (gasp!) HDB flat and (shock! horror!) study in NUS!
SINGAPORE SURVIVORAnother Singaporean leaves the island – and resettles in Perth where he’s surviving very nicely, thank you for asking.
SINGAPORE’S NEXT TOP MODELIn this week’s episode, contestants compete to be the next Nominated Member of Parliament.

ALL MEN WATCH PORN

2004-12-06T04:13:00.000-08:00

ALL MEN WATCH PORN
ALL. Absolutely all. Except blind men. And they enjoy it, therefore they watch it. If Shaolin monks had Kazaa, they would type in "The Hot Chick" to act as if they are downloading a decent movie, but actually they gei gei click on the "Blonde hot chick get fucked muliple times" movie when you turn your back away from the screen. Ok, maybe the shaolin monks would download Huang Fei Hong - The Movie, first. THEN "THE HOT CHICK".Digressing a little, let's talk about being fucked by a lot of people at one time. Now, how is that possible?I once watched this porn flick which is EXTREMELY funny. I must say, the director is very creative.There was this blonde girl with big tits lying naked on a table, just lying there like a dead fish?Suddenly, six burly men appeared out of nowhere. They started to strip. And then they started to brush their teeth. Kidding, they didn't brush their teeth.First guy takes her in her privates.Second guy takes the mouth.3rd and 4th guy gets a handjob.AND THE LAST TWO PUT THEIR DICKS IN BETWEEN HER TOES!!! And can you believe they had to fuck her feet until they cum??? DAMN FUNNY SIA!!! Somemore, the toe-fuckers had to pretend as if it is damn shiok to toe-fuck!! You see their fake expressions, damn funny!! "Woooh, It feels so good, my penis is in between toes!!!"Imagine this:
Director: "Oei my porn stars!! Come here!"Male star 1: "What's it this time? Redheads? I love shaved redheads."Director: "No, it's a blonde with big tits. But something different."Male Star 2: "Ok, my eight incher is all excited."Director: "Oh you naughty boy! Here, ballot."MALE STARS, ALL: "For fuck?"Director: "Precisely."Male Star 3: "No, we mean, for what?"Director: "Oh. Just choose a piece of paper! I'm paying you guys ok!"Male Star 3: "You want to choose who takes ass again is it? I'll volunteer."Director: "Stop taking cock. I mean, stop talking. And pick one."MALE STARS, ALL: *grumble grumble* -takes a piece each-Male Star 5: "HIYAH! I KANNA THE TOES!!!!!!!!! Don't want lah! Don't like that!!! WHY I SO SUAY ONE??!"Male Star 6: *faints* -In his balled up hand is a strip of paper that writes "behind ear"-Director: -nudges the faintee- "Oei! I joking only la!!"Moving swiftly back to my audacious statement that all men watch porn.The Dalai Lama possibly imagines himself fucking that jap schoolgirl as ... Dalai Lama. Kinky.ALL MEN WATCH PORN. Ugly men, fat men, stupid men, presidents, taxi drivers, nasi lemak guy, ah beng, ah beng, Brad Pitt, etc, ALL WATCH PORN. Just like of all them masturbate. Men who say they don't, are liars.What's there not to like about porn? Even the most "satisfied" man possibly not be able to fulfil all his sexual fantasies. Let's talk about, say, JLo's husband, while we assume that JLo is the sexiest woman alive (she is not, but I say ASSUME).So, the person fucking JLo would possibly be very happy. She is like, JLO LEH!But, can JLo be a kinky blonde nurse tomorrow? Will she even swallow? Can she blow well? Possibly can't fulfil all those fantasies So, the next best thing this man can do, is to watch porn. Which you would realise by now, that watching a blonde nurse swallow would possibly not be as good as fucking JLo in real life.So that's one major mistake I made. Big deal. So let's assume that this lucky man has JLo fulfilling all his sexual needs (Can you imagine JLo swallowing? I can't. She looks like the kind who will kick your ass if you dare ask her to swallow. Like, "ME, JLO, SWALLOW? WHY, JUST BECAUSE MY NAME RHYMES? NO WAY! I AM JENNY FROM THE BLOCK YOU KNOW!") and he does not desire to watch porn.But, hand him a video cam and JLo's consent, and you can be sure as hell he would film it down, because IT WAS SO GOOD!And then, when he watches the video he recorded, AHA THERE YOU HAVE IT! HE'S WATCHING PORN!! So all men watch porn - it's not a fallacy at all.Stop being politically correct and agree with me, NOW! Even the girls!!A L L M E N W A T C H P O R N! Except blind men, and those who can't afford it.

-The news shows how Beijing people have a new interesting hobby of riding horses-

2004-12-05T09:33:00.000-08:00

Mom, from behind the sink washing dishes but stealing looks at the TV:"You know hor, boy, that riding on horses is actually very fun one leh.
"Me:"Very fun meh. What about if you are the horse? How would you feel if people always climb on you and put their smelly ass on your back? Poor horseys."
*Mom shoots me a very irritated look*... and after a short pause... Mom:"You know what is wrong with you? You are going crazy, everyday only go write nonsense on your blog. Poor horse ah ... Then you don't use the toilet paper lah, he everyday must wipe your backside, also very poor thing.
"Me:"..."
*short pause of silence*
Me:"Mommy mommy!!!!"
Mom, in a snappish voice:"WHAT?!
"Me:"Mommy mommy I want a pony. Can I have a little pony please? Please mommy? I want a pony. =( Buy a pony for me!"
*short pause while Mommy shoots me an extremely dirty and vindictive look. The ground trembles
*Mom:"I really wonder what I did to deserve a son like you. Whole day only talk nonsense! Talk nonsense never mind, unemployed, huh, then got the brains don't want to study, huh, then whole day only say crazy things ...
"Me:*scrambles back into bedroom*

Perils of being stuck at home with Mom

2004-12-03T20:25:00.000-08:00

Mom: "Hey. The shiitake mushrooms you bought ah, faster go eat, or they will spoil.
"ME, watching news:"How they spoil? Mushrooms will spoil one meh??
"Mom:"OF COURSE WILL LAH! The last time you bought also spoilt. GROW MOULDY ah wait."
Me:"Rubbish. Mushroom is a fungus, so why would fungus grow on it?"
*stony silence from Auntie Cheng*
Me:"Huh mommy? Tell me leh, how come fungus grow on fungus?
"Mom:I don't know. If you really want to find out ah, I suggest you go ask ...
*pause while I thought that I don't know any environmentalist I can possibly ask this question to*
Mom:"I suggest you go and ask the mushroom.
"Me:"..."

2004-12-03T11:47:00.000-08:00

This ain't a song for the broken-hearted No silent prayer for the faith-departed I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd You're gonna hear my voice When I shout it out loud It's my life It's now or never I ain't gonna live forever I just want to live while I'm alive (It's my life) My heart is like an open highway Like Frankie said I did it my way I just wanna live while I'm aliveIt's my life This is for the ones who stood their ground For Tommy and Gina who never backed down Tomorrow's getting harder make no mistake Luck ain't even lucky Got to make your own breaks It's my life And it's now or never I ain't gonna live forever I just want to live while I'm alive (It's my life) My heart is like an open highway Like Frankie said I did it my way I just want to live while I'm alive 'Cause it's my life Better stand tall when they're calling you out Don't bend, don't break, baby, don't back down It's my life And it's now or never 'Cause I ain't gonna live forever I just want to live while I'm alive(It's my life) My heart is like an open highway Like Frankie said I did it my way I just want to live while I'm alive It's my life And it's now or never 'Cause I ain't gonna live forever I just want to live while I'm alive (It's my life) My heart is like an open highway Like Frankie said I did it my way I just want to live while I'm alive'Cause it's my life!

2004-12-02T20:04:00.000-08:00

As you can see, tomorrow (btw why is the short form for tomorrow often spelt at tml? Tomolo? Even in acornyms we use Singlish?) is the date for my much dreaded Mensa IQ test. I want to stab myself in the eye for bringing this pain to myself. AND WHILE AT THAT, SPENT a bloody $48.If I had used a little more logic (very ironic for the topic at hand), I should have spent that $48 to buy 144 packets of tissue from the next lucky blind old man who approaches me while I dine at a hawker centre. Heck, I might even be able to get around 180 packets if he cuts me a rare deal. You may be frowning and thinking, But Xiaxue, wouldn't a Mensa cert do you great in life? Think of the amount of stupid people you can slap with the cert, till Mensa kicks you out for rough behaviour!YOU THINK YOU KNOW, BUT YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!!NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, BEATS GOOD KARMA! (I'm in a foul mood) Buying tissue from blind old men gives me good karma, and I need good karma - to get a boyfriend, to get a job, to make sure I don't get cervix cancer, to make the people I hate fall into drains etc etc.NOW I HAVE BAD KARMA, BECAUSE INSTEAD OF BUYING TISSUE FROM BLIND OLD MEN I USED THE MONEY TO TAKE AN ELITIST TEST IN AN ATTEMPT TO JOIN AN ELITIST SOCIETY!!You know what? I think Mensa is siao.Naturally, because Mensa only accepts smart people to join them, there has been criticism that Mensa is elitist.To this, Mensa replies, I quote, from my Mensa book bought at a freaking cheap $1 at a flea market (but it is still an elite book ok, despite being sold so cheap!):
"Because of its membership requirement, however, Mensa has often been accused of elitism; but in fact it's no more "elite" than any other organisation that has a requirement for membership, such as BLAH BLAH ...... At these functions, the notion of elitism is laid to rest. Mensans come from virtually every trade, occupation, business, and profession. 'If we're elitist,' (OMG SPOT THE GRAMMAR MISTAKE A MENSAN MADE - AND ESCAPED EDITING) a national chairman once commented, 'then we're the most democratic elitist organization that ever existed!'"Well, nice try, Mensans.No doubt a PR effort.HOWEVER, whilst the argument in point (that Mensa has people from all professions and therefore does not discriminate; and that other organisations have criterias for membership as well) may convince those who cannot bother less, I am still a strong believer that Mensa is, indeed, elitist.Dictionary.com describes elitism as:
"The belief that certain persons or members of certain classes or groups deserve favored treatment by virtue of their perceived superiority, as in intellect, social status, or financial resources."This definition does not contradict Mensa's argument, but personally, I feel that Mensa's argument is, in fact, not valid at all.It's like saying, "It takes one to know one!" when people call Mensa elitist. It proves nothing, except that Mensa is indeed elitist, but only as elitist as the average organisation, right? Isn't that what they are saying?So excuse me, Mr National Chairman ... If an organisation for retarded people is set up, and they have fun activities organised for members, but well, only people with IQ lower than 70 can join, is anyone likely to call them elitist as well?Well, no, because elitism is often associated with intellect, or success. And since Mensa discriminates against people with low intellect - it is elitist. Simple as that.Besides, I cannot think of any reason why people want to set up/join a society of intellects except that they are sick of interaction with brainless people - can you?Let's face it. Mensa is elitist. But since the people complaining are likely to be people who didn't manage to get into Mensa (ie dumber people and possibly I will join their ranks tomorrow and be the latest victim of Mensa's elitism), it is also likely that these people accept that loop-holed argument that Mensa gave.If I were the Mensa Chairman, here's my answer to reporters/society:Press conference:
Qns: Mensan Cheng, do you concur that Mensa is indeed an elitist society?Ans: *nods gravely* Yes, indeed we are.*ANGRY HISSES IN AGITATED CROWD*Reporter: How can Mensa do this? You bloody bastards! How dare you discriminate dumb people? They have feelings too!Me: Miss, what is your name?Reporter: You even ask my name in a condescending manner, you horrible person! My name *shivers in indignance* is Sandra Bullshit.Me: Hold on Miss Bullshit. (motions to Mensan interns and they bring me THE EXCLUSIVE MENSA BLACK CARD) Now, Ms Bullshit. From the way you speak, I can ascertain that you are of Mensa quality. Here's your passport to discriminating the world, and evidence to your superior intelligence. Are you likely to say we discriminate now?Reporter: *Quivers in excitement* For me? Oh my god, you signed it yourself? (I nod sedately in response). HA HA HA I RULE!!! Hey you guys! (Addresses audience at large) I AM BETTER THAN YOU!Me: Welcome to Mensa. What say you, we have a game of Chinese chess?Mensan reporter: My pleasure.Mensa FAQ:
Q: I am stupid. But I'd love to be seen as smart. Will Mensa please accept me? Please? I am also disabled and unhappy.A: No. Go away.Q: You guys are horrible.A: We are not a charity organization, my love. Yes we are horrible, but unfortunately for you, we are horribly smart too!Q: Alright I give up. Can I bribe Mensa?A: Yes, you may. However, the risk you have to take it great. Anything too little, and we take it as an insult and will press charges against you. Anything too much (not that it will ever be) might be a loss to your personal wealth, of course. If you really want a guideline ... Well, here's a hint: Our members need a new golf club.Q: I am into taxidermy. Can I join Mensa?A: ABSOLUTELY NOT!Q: That's discrimination, that is!A: We are not elitist. We did a test on a large group of taxidermy enthusiasts, and results have shown that 0% of the 1,000 we interviewed are able to, in a matter of 3 minutes, come up with a commonly used English word that has the letters 'ufa' in it. If you can, welcome to Mensa.Q: Ok, what's the goddamn answer?A: Manufacture.Q: U guys tink yoU is FarkIng SmaRts but in FACT YOUR THe WORSE I SEEN in chacrator anD u mothr must wish shE had anal farked the dAY SHE maKS YOu!A: Hmm. Our mothers what?Q: Are Mensa members all nerdy and ugly? Geeks! VIRGINS!A: We are born ugly, yes, but due to our innate sense of business, we are able to earn lots of money. We then go for plastic surgery, and therefore, we get fucked left, right, center. Thank you for the concern anyway. =)Q: When you geeks get together, what do you do? READ THE DICTIONARY??? *Gaffaws*A: We have mass orgies, then read the dictionary and randomly test each other. At more relaxed times we correct the grammar mistakes of political speeches. And have mass orgies again. And again. Our kids are smarter than yours.So anyway, why do I want to join an elitist society, you ask in ferocity! Do I, Wendy Cheng, really think I am better than the world?My answer is .... *drumroll*YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I think I am the smartest and tallest in the world. WAHAHHAHAAHAHAI AM BETTER THAN YOU! AND YOU AND YOU AND YOU!!! ALL OF YOU TWERPS COMBINED AND SMARTENED UP!!!One evil blogder, pretending to be very nice indeed, showed me a site with has, he claimed, similar IQ tests.He also, in mock-kindness, told me that he wishes me luck for my upcoming (OMG in 12 hours!!!) test and I'd do better if I practiced on .. erm, what's that again? Yes, the advanced progressive matrices.During the test, which is very difficult, I panicked when I realised I don't have much time left and humtum-ed the last 7 answers or so, leaving me with a very mediocre score indeed and as much chance of getting into Mensa as Fann Wong.The previous test results, from the Mensa mock test, told me happily that I had EXCELLENT chances of getting into Mensa. The other mock test told me I had 9 out of ten answers correct.I was convinced that the test the evil blogder sent me was ridiculously tough (in an attempt to sabotage my confidence and not go for the test at all), until I realised ... maybe it is not true, maybe he wasn't being evil ... Coz every time someone takes a Mensa test, it costs $$$$$$.-_-And therefore, it is very likely that Mensa faked me!! Their mock questions must be over-easy to convince me to take the test!I'm very sad. I'm gonna fail.And to add salt to my vulnerable wounds, I was playing this game, and I got stuck at level 34 (password soabraxasa)! I asked my friend for help, and he solved it in 15 minutes or so. I feel stupid. However, I passed all the other stages to the last one at 42 though, if that is anything to be proud of.